Appi, ma olen sõltlane!

Ma olen sõltlane.
Ma suudan selleta elada mõne nädala, võib-olla kuu. Siis murdun.
Ma olen selle järele sõitnud 10 minutit enne poe sulgemist – jah, olengi jääkülmal talvisel hilisõhtul pannud ennast õueriitesse, läinud hubasest toast välja pakase kätte, istunud lõdisedes lohakalt kraabitud akendega autosse, sõitnud mitu kilomeetrit mööda lumist maanteed – et ainult see kätte saada. Koopasse lohistada. Nahka pista.
Ma olen pannud lapsed köögilaua taha plastiliinidega mängima ja pugenud ise diivaninurka, et pere pilkude eest varjatult vargsi käekotist seda manustada.

Ma olen magusasõltlane. Minu narkootikum on šokolaad – mitte see tume, tervislik (ja vastiku maitsega), mida ruudukaupa (sest rohkem ei kannata seda kibedat ollust niikuinii manustada) süüa soovitatakse, vaid tavaline mõnus ja mahe piimašokolaad.

Magusaisu taga olev mehhanism on lihtne: sööd magusat, suhkur jõuab verre, ajus tekib mõnutunne, ja kui insuliin teeb oma töö ja veresuhkur langeb, tekib vastupandamatu tung uue laksu järele. Veidi keerulisem on lugu sellega, mis on sõltuvuskäitumist vallandavaks päästikuks; mis situatsioonides tundub eluliselt vajalik nüüd ja kohe šokolaadi saada. Minul on neid päästikuid palju: igavus. Kurb meeleolu. Rahulolematus. Soov midagi tüütut edasi lükata. Stress. Väsimus. Jaanuar. Märts. Septembri algus. Vein. See, kui kollane Fazer on kohalikus Konsumis soodushinnaga.

Mu sõltuvus häirib mind.

Ehkki olen enamiku elust olnud normaalkaalus, tekitas mus kuni kahekümnendate keskpaigani tuska esmajoones just see, et ma ei mahtunud nr 36 pükstesse või et mind ei saanud kirjeldada kui “siresäärne modellivälimusega tütarlaps”. Ei saa öelda, et kõhnus oleks mul kunagi kinnisideeks olnud, aga survet sale olla olen ma tajunud küll. Näiteks olen ma alates 11. eluaastast lakkamatult omal kõhtu sees hoidnud. 90ndate keskel, minu pubekaeas, olid moes neoonvärvi miniseelikud, rohelised ja oranžid, nii et ma hoidsin aastaid lisaks kõhule igaks juhuks sees ka kintsulihaseid – kuni ma keskkooli ajal taipasin, et lihtsam kui kõiki oma kehaosasid non-stop pingul hoida, on hakata boheemlaseks ja vahetada miniseelikud maksiomade vastu. Aga kõhulihaseid hoian ma ikka sees – ka kodus, ka üksi olles – ma kahtlustan, et isegi öösiti (ehkki mine tea, võib-olla eriti sügava une faasis vahel unustan end).

Tjah, “siresäärne tütarlaps”… Nüüd, kui ma ealiste iseärasuste tõttu enam niikuinii “tütarlapse” mõiste alla ei mahutu, jätavad mind ka sellele eelnevad saledust ülistavad epiteedid täiesti külmaks; “normaalkaaluline naisterahvas” rahuldaks mu edevust täielikult, kui sellele ei järgneks täpsustust: “kes on ühtlasi hale magusasõltlane, šokolaadi ori”. Mind masendab, et ma võin otsustada toituda tervislikult ja maiustusi mitte tarbida, aga varem või hiljem leian end jälle tühja 180grammise šokolaadi paberit pliidi alla toppimas (sest kui ma selle prügikasti viskaksin, näeksid lapsed, kellel millegi pärast on komme ebasobilikel hetkedel prügis tuhlata, et olen šokolaadi söönud, ja nõuaksid valjuhäälselt oma osa, mille ablas ema on just nahka pistnud).

Olen korduvalt alustanud suhkruvaest toitumist.

Algus läheb alati ludinal, enesetunne on suurepärane, boonusena langeb kaal ja kasvab energia, juba teisel päeval hakkan lootusrikkalt proovima pööningule paremaid aegu ootama pakitud “enne lapsi” sildiga riideid – ja need peaaegu lähevad selga! Tral-lal-laa! Hakin salateid, segan kastmeid, wokin juurvilju ja mõtlen hämmastunult, kuidas ma ometi sain varem murduda ja magusasöömise juurde naasta, no kuidas?! Ma ju armastan seda uut, tervislikku elu! Armastangi. Aga tundub, et šokolaadi armastan ma veel rohkem, ja see on täiesti mõistusevastane! See on nagu suhtesõltuvus: tean küll, et härra Karl Vatser (kollane, pähklitega!) mõjub mulle halvasti nii füüsiliselt kui emotsionaalselt, aga temast loobuda ka ei suuda. Ikka võtan ta, kaabaka, tagasi!

Ma ei tea, mis aitaks. Sõbranna teeb mul lchf-toitumist (low carb, high fat ehk vähe süsivesikuid ja palju rasva) ja on paari kuuga üle 10 kg alla võtnud. Kui mina krõbistasin viimati ühise kohvilaua taga šokolaadi-võiküpsiseid, nokkis tema toorsuitsulõhet ja nägi igati ilus, rahulolev ja sõltuvusvaba välja. Ma usun kõiki neid teaduslikke uuringuid, mis lchf taga on, ja olen kindel, et süües rasvast liha, maitsvaid koorekastmeid ja sobilikke aedvilju, oleks mu keha terve ja sale ning maitsemeel lööks nurru – aga… aga… koogid? Kaerahelbepuder? Aga šokolaad?! (Kas nad palun ei võiks välja mõelda hchf-dieeti?!)

Igatahes ma ei anna alla. Enne jõule tundub see küll ületamatu väljakutsena, aga ma tõepoolest tahan oma magusasõltuvusest vabaneda! Ma ei taha olla ema, kes hiilib öösel kööki ja sööb laste jõulupakkidest „Põhjakaru” ja „Mesikäpa” kommid ise ära, nii et kui lapsed hommikul oma varusid revideerima tulevad, avastavad nad, et paki põhjas on kaks marmelaadikommi ja mõned kurblikud lutsukad.

Ja lõpetuseks…

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